I've been in front of the computer all day. I have not taken a break to be social at any point during the day. And it's dark now. I'm done with work and I go home. I have an intention from earlier in the day to go out to this chill space tonight, but I don't want to. I'm not "on" or feeling social. I don't feel present. I feel like a computer, way less empathetic than I know I am capable of being, kind of distant, glazed over.
I also haven't made eye contact with anyone today. I really, really don't want to let today go by without doing it... But I'm tempted to forgive it, justifying the skip by noting that on two days I asked two people when I didn't need to do that.
I'm so close to opening a beer and staying at home, but I don't. One step at a time, I go out. I am not thinking about being tired, or not feeling social, or any of the other excuses I have for not going out.
One step at a time. This is how I get myself to do things that I know will make me happy but that I don't, in the moment, feel like doing. Grab my things: keys, wallet, lip balm, camera, and timer for LMEC. Take my journal and a book, too. Sandals on, leave the house, get in the car, and drive towards downtown. I'm doing it now.
...
So I show up at the chill space and so many of my friends are there! Yay! But before I can be social I know I need to take care of business. I know that if I do the experiment with someone, whether or not the outcome is rejection, I will get a huge boost, the switch will get flipped, and I'll be in social mode.
I leave the couch where my friends and I are sitting and case the place, walking to the back of the room and then returning to the couch. I tell my friends I'm going to go do my experiment. "Fuck it, time to go," I say and I get up and walk over to a table of three women.
Usually I approach a single person. A few times I have approached a pair. Tonight I am intentionally approaching a larger group of three people for the first time.
I ask them if I may interrupt their conversation for three minutes. "Yes," they say. The woman to my right seems... Suspicious? And perhaps amused. They don't know what this is about! I am aware of it and think it's delicious. Already I am feeling much better, just by breaking the ice.
I sit down and quickly survey each of them, then point to the woman across from me.
"You!" I say, pausing for emphasis. I propose the experiment to her.
The woman to my right asks if this is a grad student project. "No," I tell her mid-sentence, and finish my proposal.
The woman across from me considers for a second, and asks if she may ask why I'm doing this. I tell her that she may ask, and that I'll answer after we do the eye contact.
She hesitates, says that it's going to be hard, then consents.
She tells her companions (somewhat jokingly, somewhat serious, I think) that they also can't talk during the 60 seconds.
I start the timer. She speaks right away. She glances away to look at her glass, and picks it up to take a drink of water. After that, we aren't interrupted...
Until, suddenly, she sits back, disengages, and breaks eye contact.
"OK, that's enough," she declares.
This is a first!
I keep looking at her. Then I look at my timer. It's around five seconds from beeping. I show it to her, then the timer beeps.
She was uncomfortable. Introduce myself, and she tells me her name is Sara, without an H. The other two women join the conversation. We talk about the "why." One of the women guesses that I am not from Victoria. We talk about my travels, what brings me to Victoria, and Burning Man. I tell Sara the URL of this blog and she types it into her phone. I get the names of the other two women: the woman in the middle is Alysha, and the woman to my right is Wil.
Sara doesn't consent to the use of her photograph. She tells me that she's a teacher and is very careful about the photos of her that appear online. So I do not take her portrait.
I thank them for the conversation and excuse myself to return to my friends. As I knew would be the case, I am high and ready to be social.
...
Later in the evening, a couple of beers later, I am at the bar and Sara, Alysha, and Wil come over. Looks like they're on their way out. I say "hi" to them. One of them points to a woman who is sitting nearby and tells me I should make eye contact with her. She says something like, "she would do it."
I sense that they are pressuring me to make eye contact with this other woman!
I can't believe it, am surprised, and not sure how to respond.
I say something like, "no, I'm done with it for tonight, and I'm too drunk to do it."
I'm not drunk, but it's true that I'm not sober. I prefer to do this experiment when I'm sober. And, disregarding that, I simply don't want to make eye contact with the person they have set their sights on at this time. It's not that I wouldn't include this particular woman in the experiment, ever. I just don't want to make eye contact now.
...
Looking back, what I wish I would have pointed out is that participation in the experiment is always consensual. I consent, and the person I invite consents. Just because I am asking a lot of people to make eye contact, at least one each day, doesn't mean that I want to or am willing to make eye contact with anyone at any time. My consent to make eye contact is required, and it is not implicitly given.
Consent requires all parties involved. Even if the woman they are indicating would consent, that doesn't mean that I consent.
I wish I had said something like this.