Today was not an experiment. It was the real deal.
I needed eye contact.
...
I am a mess. Today I am crashing. I am broken. This happens occasionally. I have a really emotional day in which I am not my usual self. Shame is usually involved. Also runaway expectations, those I put on myself and those I perceive from others, both real and imagined, can build up to the point of bursting. I can feel paralyzed, unable to do anything. I just have to drop everything. Whatever hit me last night is still there, and it's now worse. Here's what I am working with:
And I know I am not in my usual space because I am avoiding eye contact with people. Shame is definitely involved. When I am feeling ashamed I avoid eye contact. Shame does not like to be seen. It's going to be hard to approach someone about making eye contact while my sense of self-worth is low. Shit.
...
I go to the office but can't do anything. I have to leave. I pack up and head out for a walk. I'm going to a coffee shop. But before I get to one I realize that I'm hungry. I walk by a restaurant I've seen before and been thinking about trying, so I go in.
The girl working here greets me super nicely and I sit at the bar and we get to talking. Her presence is really refreshing to me, quite a nice change from being negative and stuck in my own head. I would enjoy her positive energy and engaging interest under normal circumstances but it is especially nice in my current state. I'm not totally coming out of my funk but I am feeling bouyed.
There's another girl who comes up to the bar and orders something, then returns to her table. I think she makes eye contact with me, or at least looks at me when she comes up. Maybe there is some interest? I note the way she's dressed and I like her outfit. She walks away.
Later she comes up to the bar again to leave. I do make brief eye contact with her this time and realized that I want to make more eye contact with her. Not just for the experiment. Not just to get it done and have something to write about for today. Not to push myself or test rejection. I need this. I want to make eye contact with her just for me. It's personal. And I just know she's going to say "yes."
This time I do not lead in with my usual "experiment-based" introduction. I go straight for the heart of it:
"Hey. Before you go, will you make eye contact with me for 60 seconds?"
"Yes!"
We begin and sink into each other's eyes immediately. Her gaze is present and engaged. I can clearly tell when she's focusing on one of my eyes and then the other. It's much more obvious with her than other people for some reason. I feel like she's really here with me. Usually I am trying to get into the other person when I make eye contact, to sense what they are about, but today is different. Today I am trying to tell her something. I am trying to show her how I am upset and not well. I am trying to share with her how I feel. Our eye contact is just so pleasant and refreshing. Then the timer expires.
She tells me about the kind of day she's been having. She is also going through some challenging, vulnerable experiences and she felt right away that we were both communicating that with our gaze. I confirm that, indeed, I am having a tough time right now.
I ask her if I can use her name and photograph. She consents. I hand her a leave-behind and she asks what this is about. I give her a fast answer. I take her picture and she approves it. I write down her name. As she is leaving I tell her that I'd like to be in contact with her again, and if she'd also like that, she can find my email on the blog.
Thank you, Jumana. Thank you so much. Our eye contact didn't fix everything about my day, but it made it a lot better. I really enjoyed it.
P.S. Thank you, Arielle, for being kind and welcoming and chatting with me. That helped me feel better, too.